The Harm in Silencing Yourself

Although you might know me as this joyful coach, artist, and surfer living in Nicaragua (the insta version of my life below)…I didn’t arrive at this place from privilege or a particularly easy life.

In fact, I grew up in an EXTREMELY physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive household.

I regularly showed up to school with bruises and cuts, was starved as punishment for “talking back”, was abandoned on the side of the highway because I annoyed my mom for “asking too many questions”, and nearly bled out from a defensive knife wound while protecting my brother from my mother (she refused to take me to the hospital).

It was chaotic, it was violent, and it never felt safe.

One of the side effects of such complex trauma is that you begin to disconnect and distrust your own voice.

I learned from an early age that

• silence = safety and comfort

• speaking out = violence and rejection

I began to tell myself that I had no control of my own life. That what I said didn’t matter…that I didn’t matter. That others knew better, that my needs were trivial, that having a boundary was the same as being “difficult” or “rude”.

So….I became the people pleaser.

The “yes” girl…

While I was saying “yes” for fear of pain and rejection, the light inside of me was slowly fading…and I felt completely disempowered. The only way I could feel somewhat in control of my chaotic internal world was to be completely focused on external performance and output…to be a perfectionist.

The only times I didn’t experience abuse and violence growing up was when I was achieving to perfection…

For my sense of safety and love I dedicated my energy to creating a “perfect life”…

But life is rarely perfect. 

Despite my adorable attempts at exerting control….life had other plans for me.

On a typical status-quo day in my “good on paper” life…

I was hospitalized for stomach ulcers. Despite all the tests and scans, the doctors had no explanation other than “must be stress”.

But I deeply knew something was wrong, and it wasn’t just stress. It was a lifetime of self-silencing and self-abandonment that manifested in a physical way. One that made me face my own mortality.

Death wasn’t a stranger to me….I’ve had close family members pass away from stroke and cancer, friends who died of a tragic accident, and a skating partner to suicide….death was always there to remind me that our mortal life has a time limit.

But this particular hospitalization was a wake-up call because of how similar it felt to my uncle’s stomach cancer pre-diagnosis. Unfortunately for him, he caught it too late and passed away at age 32 (a similar age to me at the time).

In my soul, I knew that if I didn’t change my life in a meaningful way, I would also meet the same fate.

Prior to my hospitalization, I had a gnawing sense that I had more to express….to use my “voice” to create more impact in this world. But after a lifetime of silencing myself, the thought of going out on my own and expressing something new with my life felt deeply UNSAFE.

So I ignored it until I was faced with the possibility that I wouldn’t even get the chance.

This was 10 years ago, and I decided then and there I’d begin my journey to heal my heart, body, and spirit. It was time to reclaim my power (and my voice).

Over the last decade, I’ve learned (and shared) ways to:

• Create loving boundaries that honored my needs AND the needs of others

• Express myself in all the ways that felt joyful without limiting myself to a single “role” that others expected of me

• Give myself massive amounts of grace and compassion when I felt burnt out and needed time to rest

• Create and play for the sake of joy and not achievement

• Choose the path that felt like inspiration and not a reaction to fear

• Build a sense of inner safety that I regularly nurture

And in this slow and steady way, I’ve lovingly built self-trust, alignment, confidence….but most importantly, I’ve found my voice.

I built the Re:Boot community for those who feel disconnected…

There is literally NO TIME to waste!!

If you’ve read this far, I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart.

As I write this with shaking hands and tears in my eyes, I hope this message will reach those that have also felt self-silenced, self-abandoned, and self-limited.

I’m here to remind you that you are safe.

You are worthy.

You are already home.

This life will be richer because you were brave enough to share your light with the world.

With so much love ❤️

Hana

P.S. If you can relate to what I’ve shared today, it would mean so much to hear what resonated for you. I will take the time to personally respond to each email.

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